Parenting Question
of the Week
Question 9: Restaurant Behavior
Question: My daughter is nearly three years old. My husband and I like to go out for a meal sometimes but it can be very challenging as our daughter does not want to sit still at the table and would rather be running around the restaurant. I don't want to have to leave her with a babysitter every time we go out. What can I do to make restaurant trips easier for all of us?
Answer: This is certainly something that many parents of young children experience. Situations like dining out can be thought of as "high risk" times for young children, meaning that they are times when misbehavior is very likely to occur. One way to manage these situations is to establish a routine that works for you and your family, so that all family members can enjoy the outing. Dr. Matthew Sanders, creator of the Triple P - Positive Parenting Program, suggests a set of steps that you might find helpful to manage such "high risk" situations.
Steps to managing potentially high risk situations like dining out involve preparing in advance, selecting engaging activities, setting ground rules, providing positive feedback for behavior you like, having a way to manage misbehavior if it occurs, and having time to reflect and decide if your strategy was successful. Here is how these steps might be used for dining out with a young child.
Before you leave the house:
- Get yourself ready first and try to avoid last minute rushing so that you can all feel a little more relaxed.
- Let your child know that you will be having a special meal that evening. Sit down with your child and talk about what you will be doing and what they can expect. Go over two or three ground rules for restaurant behavior. For example, restaurant rules could be to stay in your seat, use a quiet voice, and listen to mommy or daddy. Have your child repeat back the rules so that you know they have understood.
- Choose a time that coincides with your daughter's regular eating schedule. Avoid providing a lot of snacks beforehand. If she is not hungry it will be more difficult for her to be interested in eating with the family at the table. If possible, avoid going out during a usual nap time or near bedtime.
- Bring engaging, fun activities for her to do while you are waiting for your food. Some suggestions are books, crayons and paper, or small, portable games or toys.
- Choose a family restaurant. They often have child friendly environments and provide complementary table activities for children.
At the restaurant:
- Verbally praise and reward your child when they are behaving properly at the table and following the rules you have set. You might want to bring along some stickers or a stamp. To begin with, reward your child frequently for behavior that you like. As you go out to more meals and the routine becomes easier for your child extend the time that they must sit properly or follow the rules in order to receive a sticker or stamp. As an activity, before leaving the house or possibly at the table, your child could decorate a piece paper where she would like to put her stickers or a special sticker book that she could bring with her on trips. If your child is not behaving properly, do not take stickers away but do not give her a new one until she is following the rules.
- Ignore your child if she complains and continue to eat your own meal.
- You might want to have a strategy in mind to use if your child continues to misbehave. Time out is one option. Choose a spot where she can be supervised to sit quietly (for example, the waiting area or just outside of the restaurant). Place your child in time out for two minutes. Once the two minutes are complete, return to the table and begin rewarding her for good behavior as soon as possible.
- If your child has behaved well throughout dinner you may want to set up a larger reward, such as a family walk together or an extra bedtime story.
As your child becomes used to the restaurant routine you can expect your child to behave for extended periods of time at restaurants. You can also try these steps to manage misbehavior in other settings such as waiting rooms or when visiting others. These strategies can help your child learn how to behave in these situations, which will make the experience easier and more enjoyable for all of you.
About the authors:
Cheri Shapiro, PhD, is a Research Assistant Professor in
the Department of Psychology and the Project Director for Building Connections,
a federal grant program through the University of South Carolina that provides
Triple P - Positive Parenting Program training and parenting information
to select South Carolina counties. Alexandra Seng, MA,
is trained in Triple P. Find local providers
here.
